I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
