I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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