She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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