Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
