I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
