Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Every concussion has its silver lining
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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