she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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