Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Never joke about your clitoris.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
