I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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