I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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