Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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