haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize