Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
