Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
