My liver just broke up with me...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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