I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
