i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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