my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
