If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
