I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
