I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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