She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
