i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
babies were throwing up all over the place
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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