hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
