How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I will die if light touches me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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