I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
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