i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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