woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
