like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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