I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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