she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I use my feet as sexual weapons
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
