I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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