Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
