i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
