Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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