So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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