Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
And then he peed in my hair
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