He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
i've created a new STD.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
