"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
