made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
