so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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