I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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