I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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