He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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