I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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