If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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