omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
