Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
