So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
