I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
