I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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