Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
