It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
