I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
