I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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