Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
