I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
