I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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