phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
