i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
