Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize