I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
